"Just Wait Until......."

I remember being pregnancy for the first time and announcing to everyone right away. A mom of 2 said to me, “Just Wait Until the morning sickness comes, then the constipation, then the waddling.”

I remember having my sweet firstborn looking at me, the center of her universe, and a stranger standing by saying, “Just Wait Until she’s teething and keeps you up all night!”

I remember having my children 19 months apart and a friend saying, “Just Wait Until they’re fighting over every toy in the room.”

I remember having three children under 4 and going through the grocery store. A woman shook her head and laughingly said, “Just Wait Until they’re teenagers! They’ll eat you out of house and home.”

I remember playing with my four children at the park and a mom saying, “Just Wait Until they all want cell phones and cars!”

I remember having five children and getting a bear hug from one of my sons while a passer-by at the Farmers Market said, “Just Wait Until he breaks your heart bringing home a girl!”

Friends, a life lived in the Present Joy of TODAY is not filled with “Just Wait Untils”

At every stage of my mothering journey, I have been confronted with this strange language around the passage of time with my children that is filled with negativity. It has always baffled me - why does everyone think things get worse? Why is that the assumption? You know how when you’re not pregnant no one dares reach out and rub your belly but as soon as you are noticeably growing another human, strangers feel free to caress the sacredness of your womb? There is great beauty in that - something intuitive to human nature to be noted, but not the subject of today. However, the comparison lies in the freedom people feel comment or (or diminish) the stage you are in by comparing it to their current failures or mistakes. By doing so, it offers them a momentary salve, “Ahhh, the good old days when my child was perfect…..before they teethed or ate a lot or talked back or stared at a phone or became the dreaded teenagers”.

This is a lie because it steals the joy intended for today.

I pray that I might always hold space for the stage each of us is in - the beauty, the struggle, the difficulty, the joy - today is the day that the Lord has made, let us REJOICE and be glad in it! Of course, this hope is grounded in positivity for tomorrow, or else why would I put the work in today?

This belief is rooted in the truth that we are given the children we need to make us better humans No mistakes, no just wait untils - the struggles we have with our children today are present so that we can look our demons in the eye and be faithful to fight them for ourselves and for our children. They are real (even if it is “just” teething) and they are hard - but the results are so so beautiful.

I love mothering today more than yesterday. This year more than years before. I choose to embrace the struggle so that I can achieve the beauty IN the struggle.

In life, we rarely discover the Divine when we are comfortable.

So, next time someone tries to dampen your joy by a “Just Wait Until”, look at them and say, “I can’t wait.” If you find yourself starting to use these words with another mom, catch yourself and say something positive. Choose JOY, friends, and you will not be disappointed.

Post below your positive “Just Wait Until”

Life, Death and something about Labor

December 22nd I was laboring a sweet young mother - slowly and steadily she was riding the waves of the contractions that would bring her baby to become an air-creature. As her labor intensified, my mom called because a mile away my grandma was having a severe stroke. (Grandma moved here shortly after we did so she could spend her remaining years surrounded by my family - what a blessing for ALL of us!). With tears in my eyes I looked at the beautiful strength in front of me - another wave of intensity washing over this young woman-about-to-become-mother.

I was pierced with the juxtaposition of the moment:

the joy of a new baby and the poignancy of a life passing on.

I am honored to attend the births of so many little ones - their mothers bearing witness to the truth that growth comes through struggle. Many women have said the closest they’ve ever come to death was in the intense struggle of labor. I teach in my childbirth classes that Early Labor is the mental part of labor, Active Labor is the physical part of labor leading to Transition being intensely spiritual and Pushing combines all three in determination. That looks like:

Early Labor (Mind) Questions: “do I have everything ready?”, “am I ready to be a mother?”, “am I going to be able to handle labor?”, “did I remember to get dog food for the week?”, “I don’t know what I’m doing”

Active Labor (Body): as contractions become more intense over time, there is much less concern with what is outside of you and much more focus on the strength within. I love the labor mantra, “this is not stronger than you because IT IS YOU”. Thoughts about dog food and the awkwardness of early labor sensations all disappear as you surrender to your BODY and the innate physicality that is being expressed.

Transition (Soul): nothing exists outside of what you are doing in this moment and often arrows of fear begin to assail your insides - not in questions like early labor - but in doubts about being a mother, your own mother’s failures, the chinks in your relationship, the inadequacy you feel to be responsible for another human…all in a stewpot over the most intense fire of contractions. This is the shortest hardest part of labor for most women. And the intensity is in the soul - it is in Transition that you’ll fight your demons and grasp for light. You’ll face your own mortality.

Pushing (Body+Mind+Soul): after you machete your way through Transition using every tool you’ve put in your labor toolbox, then the baby rotates and BAM - you’re a whole person again. The unstoppable physical urge to push awakens your body and mind again as the finish line is in sight and the darkness of transition fades as Dawn spreads over the soul - THIS BABY IS COMING OUT!

What does any of this have to do with my grandma passing away? As I entered the struggle of labor with this woman to bring new life earthside, my grandma slipped painlessly, blamelessly, and peacefully into the life beyond. The contrast was stark - the beauty shattering. It is also so very very good to remember that we are all born (amazing!) and we will all pass away. Our culture has tried to hide both from public view - birth and death are both mostly done in hospital rooms rather than living rooms. This has caused us to be uncomfortable with both life and death when we should embrace both, share both, fully enter into both - remember both in our daily lives!

Prayers for peace in your homes.

Scheduled Sex - Intimacy in the young Mothering Years

Love-making is fun!

It is less fun with a baby crying and toddlers banging on the locked doors….

Let’s start with some of the amazing things to know about the Postpartum period. Firstly, men’s testosterone levels decrease from 26%-35% in the early postpartum weeks. This is helpful for everyone since this corresponds with the woman’s time of lochia, or postpartum bleeding. Secondly, most women report an increase in sexual pleasure after having a baby (yes, you read that correctly). Those are two kindnesses we are often given after having babies!

The Early Weeks. Every couple is different and in those first 8 weeks after baby, have a lot of grace with yourself and everyone around you. Sleep deprivation is no small matter and since all of your bodily fluids are pouring out of the upper half of your body (breasts and eyeballs), there tends to be a lot of vaginal dryness. Lube is your friend, don’t try anything without it. By 6-8 weeks, it can be a healthy thing for most couples to attempt intercourse but it is a mental/emotional/body gear-shift from having prioritized your baby since birth. It can be really frightening to reconnect with your partner after having a baby. Your body feels different (yet again!) and a new part of you has been born (the part that is tuned to every sound your baby makes from across the house). Some tips to help during this time:

• Take a few minutes to breathe and get in the right headspace. This will include making sure baby is either sleeping or happy and healthy in another room. This may mean convincing yourself that the baby will be just fine for the next 30 minutes - really, really.

• Nothing to fear! Think of this as an opportunity to communicate with your partner about what does/doesn’t feel good and any new sensations you might have.

• Lube and slow-going.

• Many women’s bodies have been awakened through childbirth to a myriad of new vaginal sensations that can increase the pleasure of intimacy after babies. Use this for your advantage!

• After the first couple comfortable times having intercourse, quickies might be your friend. Baby asleep in your room? Have fun exploring other rooms of the house!

• If you have trouble becoming aroused, try different times of the day. Some women are dog-tired in the morning and evening, so afternoon delight might be the name of the game.

The New Normal. Here’s the most helpful thing I have to say:

Scheduled sex is the BEST

That might seem like the most unromantic thing in the world, but let me tell you how very wonderful it is. When you choose motherhood, you choose a full life. Full of so many many things from diapers to noise to mess to sleeplessness. Our hearts and schedules and souls and brains are very FULL. It is hard to push the internal “pause” button whenever we or our partner wants to be intimate. It can be hard to initiate when we are tired. It can be hard to respond when our head has just hit the pillow. However, if you and your partner know that Wednesday nights and Saturday mornings are playtime (or however often is healthy for your relationship), then lots of things fall into place.

1) You make time for it because you know when it’s going to happen.

2) You both think about it and prepare (and, as they say, the woman’s largest sex organ is between her ears).

3) You make sure there is peace between you and your hubby before the scheduled time so that it can be a true and healthy connection.

4) You get the kids/baby where they need to be to make this happen.

5) No more conversations about who is/is not initiating and all of the insecurity that surrounds that issue. This one is big for many couples.

Not convinced? Try it for a month and see what you both think about the scheduling! If you have had an inconsistent sex life, you might consider just starting with one day a week. Once you hit that goal consistently, then think about adjusting to meet the needs of the relationship.

For those of you who are having difficulty or pain with intercourse after having a baby, please see someone who can help you. You will hopefully be in your marriage for a lot longer than you’ll have kids/babes in your home - so it needs to be the prioritized relationship. When there is peace between mom and dad, the kids are covered with a blanket of security - so it helps everyone. Intimacy is a big part of that and as a midwife and friend, I want this to be fun and meaningful not a painful chore. So, here’s to growing and learning!