Scheduled Sex - Intimacy in the young Mothering Years

Love-making is fun!

It is less fun with a baby crying and toddlers banging on the locked doors….

Let’s start with some of the amazing things to know about the Postpartum period. Firstly, men’s testosterone levels decrease from 26%-35% in the early postpartum weeks. This is helpful for everyone since this corresponds with the woman’s time of lochia, or postpartum bleeding. Secondly, most women report an increase in sexual pleasure after having a baby (yes, you read that correctly). Those are two kindnesses we are often given after having babies!

The Early Weeks. Every couple is different and in those first 8 weeks after baby, have a lot of grace with yourself and everyone around you. Sleep deprivation is no small matter and since all of your bodily fluids are pouring out of the upper half of your body (breasts and eyeballs), there tends to be a lot of vaginal dryness. Lube is your friend, don’t try anything without it. By 6-8 weeks, it can be a healthy thing for most couples to attempt intercourse but it is a mental/emotional/body gear-shift from having prioritized your baby since birth. It can be really frightening to reconnect with your partner after having a baby. Your body feels different (yet again!) and a new part of you has been born (the part that is tuned to every sound your baby makes from across the house). Some tips to help during this time:

• Take a few minutes to breathe and get in the right headspace. This will include making sure baby is either sleeping or happy and healthy in another room. This may mean convincing yourself that the baby will be just fine for the next 30 minutes - really, really.

• Nothing to fear! Think of this as an opportunity to communicate with your partner about what does/doesn’t feel good and any new sensations you might have.

• Lube and slow-going.

• Many women’s bodies have been awakened through childbirth to a myriad of new vaginal sensations that can increase the pleasure of intimacy after babies. Use this for your advantage!

• After the first couple comfortable times having intercourse, quickies might be your friend. Baby asleep in your room? Have fun exploring other rooms of the house!

• If you have trouble becoming aroused, try different times of the day. Some women are dog-tired in the morning and evening, so afternoon delight might be the name of the game.

The New Normal. Here’s the most helpful thing I have to say:

Scheduled sex is the BEST

That might seem like the most unromantic thing in the world, but let me tell you how very wonderful it is. When you choose motherhood, you choose a full life. Full of so many many things from diapers to noise to mess to sleeplessness. Our hearts and schedules and souls and brains are very FULL. It is hard to push the internal “pause” button whenever we or our partner wants to be intimate. It can be hard to initiate when we are tired. It can be hard to respond when our head has just hit the pillow. However, if you and your partner know that Wednesday nights and Saturday mornings are playtime (or however often is healthy for your relationship), then lots of things fall into place.

1) You make time for it because you know when it’s going to happen.

2) You both think about it and prepare (and, as they say, the woman’s largest sex organ is between her ears).

3) You make sure there is peace between you and your hubby before the scheduled time so that it can be a true and healthy connection.

4) You get the kids/baby where they need to be to make this happen.

5) No more conversations about who is/is not initiating and all of the insecurity that surrounds that issue. This one is big for many couples.

Not convinced? Try it for a month and see what you both think about the scheduling! If you have had an inconsistent sex life, you might consider just starting with one day a week. Once you hit that goal consistently, then think about adjusting to meet the needs of the relationship.

For those of you who are having difficulty or pain with intercourse after having a baby, please see someone who can help you. You will hopefully be in your marriage for a lot longer than you’ll have kids/babes in your home - so it needs to be the prioritized relationship. When there is peace between mom and dad, the kids are covered with a blanket of security - so it helps everyone. Intimacy is a big part of that and as a midwife and friend, I want this to be fun and meaningful not a painful chore. So, here’s to growing and learning!

"Pay Attention to the Rest"

I wring out the washcloth from the ice-cold bowl of water and gently wipe the beads of sweat from her brow…cheeks…neck…and turn it over as I lay it across her heart chakra. My hand open on top of the cool cloth, reminding her to breathe into the heart space so that the energy which is breath can move through her, opening the cervix in front of her baby’s head. I feel the muscles tense, her brow furrow, as yet another wave begins to build. She surrenders to the power of her body, the unleashed strength that transforms women into mothers coursing through her. She moans the deep guttural sound of so many women before her (you know, the one I demonstrate in my birthing classes and no one ever believes they’ll make when they’re in labor). Trust me, this sound comes from the ages of successful mothers who have come before us and it will still ring out in the generations to follow.

“This isn’t stronger than you because it IS you” I whisper to her, reading one of her Affirmation flags that she naively prepared for this day. This surge begins to release, and as it does the quiet supporters around her swiftly come to action. Her husband gets the water, placing the bendy-straw near her lips for when she is ready for a sip. I dunk the washcloths in the ice water again, one across her shoulders and the other as before, wiping her. “That one did it’s work, now pay attention to the REST, that’s it….cleansing breath and blow it all away”.

That is how labor is done - one breath at a time, one wave of contractions at a time - because that is all we can handle -

one. at. a. time.

And then, rest.

A lot is happening in this world of ours. Some of those things have made midwives and home births very popular this year. While driving this week, after my 4th crazy birth in a row, I caught myself with hunched shoulders and a tight jaw and sore boobs from using a pump instead of my sweet baby to drain them and tired (so tired!). My life is bursting with the exuberance of 5 energetic children, a husband who holds down the fort like a hero and puts his connection needs on the back-burner to let me nap, a few non-midwife businesses and all the other details of life that press in…….and I heard my words,

“pay attention to the rest”.

Yes. I can breathe into the heart space and make room for the next contraction of life and I can use that breathe to pay attention to this moment. This one where I’m driving and feeling much older than I did at 35. I have twenty minutes to find solidarity with my mind and body - tune in to the strength that is around me propelling me through the labor of life and the power within me, calling me to quiet peace. I can capture those thoughts that are overwhelmed with knowing the moment I walk in my front door, humans of varying sizes are going to bombard me with love and affection - looking for eye contact and connection whilst my eyelids are heavy from no sleep. But now. Now is what I must pay attention to or else I simply won’t make it to see the joy on the other side.

Life is a lot like labor. There are cycles and waves. There are periods of sleeplessness, but sleep will come. There are times of darkness, but light comes in the morning. There are times of fire and smoke, but rains will bring refreshment. There are times when my house looks like a tornado married an earthquake, but mess cleans up. There are times when paying bills brings panic and others when there is ease. And, like labor, we must breathe into the pain, uncertainty and fear because we do not know how long we must labor for. So, we must take the contractions of life

one. at. a. time.

And then, rest.

Friends, there is so much right now. We may not have a lot of break between contractions and fullness of life. In labor it may only be 2 minutes between the surges - but those two minutes can sustain a woman through hours and hours of labor if she can pay attention to them. In this unsure time - let us all pay attention to the rest.

The Miracle of Birth: Monty Python Style

For some of you younger readers, Monty Python may not be a dominant sub-script in your life, but for those in my boat, the voice of John Cleese is a friend who shows up nearly daily.  As with most parody, Monty Python is able to speak truthfully about cultural problems and trends without being offensive (or perhaps overly offensive...).  The scene is a hospital delivery room:

Nurse: Mrs. Moore's contractions are more frequent, doctor!

OB: Good! Take her to the Fetus Frightening Room

OB: So, it's a bit bare in here today, isn't it? More apparatus, please, nurse: the E.E.G., the B.P. monitor, and the A.V.V.

Nurse: Yes, Certainly, Doctor.

Dr. Spenser: And, uh, get the machine that goes 'ping'.

... Doctors (speaking to pregnant patient): Hallo. Now, don't you worry.  We'll soon have you cured.  Leave it all to us. You'll never know what hit you.

Pregnant woman: What do I do?

Dr. Spenser: Nothing, dear. You're not qualified!

(After you read this article, go watch the whole scene.  It's great for a laugh)

In the 30 years between 1920 and 1950, one of the biggest shifts in motherhood occurred: the change from home birth to hospital birth.  Now, I am neither idealizing home birth nor defaming hospital birth in this article (you can have a terrible home birth or a beautiful hospital birth), but rather looking through a broad lens at how this shift radically changed our cultural perspective about where the battlefield of motherhood lies.  Let me explain.  

Prior to 1950, the majority of births for the history of mankind happened at home and were attended by midwives, aunts, grandmothers, and sisters.  Sit with that thought for a moment.  Human culture has predominantly believed that a woman's own home was the normative place for the life-changing transition from womanhood to motherhood.  And that motherhood was saturated in the voices of Mother-wisdom.

As this began to shift in America, a monumental assumption also shifted: the passage into motherhood became something that was managed from the outside rather than achieved from the inside.  Stirrups, episiotomies, sterility, lying in a "manageable position" for labor and delivery.... having a child was no longer about becoming a mother but rather avoiding an emergency.  

However, this isn't about whether you have a home or hospital birth, but rather the undercurrent philosophical change.  I believe the most important thing that changed was this: women began to doubt their ability to be mothers.  The mindset shift may be subtle, but it sure is powerful.  If we are told (indirectly through the evolution of Western Obstetrics) that we aren't "qualified" to do something as mammalian and innate as laboring our babies in the world, then how could we possibly be qualified to make a trillion other mothering choices??  Over the course of not so many years, the ancient voice of grandmother wisdom speaking motherhood into our souls was drowned out by the voice of Medicine.  And our confidence as mothers was shattered.

I see in my practice and have have felt it myself in those early years of motherhood: doubt driven by fear.  What do the experts say about the chemicals in diapers?  Which brand of wipes is the least damaging to my baby's skin?  Do I have to buy organic clothing?  What is the best baby wrap? Is co-sleeping better than crib-sleeping?  What should the first solids be and when should I start them?  How do I discipline my child or should I let him do whatever he wants?  Is it okay for me to sleep train my baby or must I live in sleeplessness until my child decides to wean?  Or maybe I decide to wean when I'm ready rather than letting my baby decide?  I DON'T KNOW HOW TO MOTHER MY CHILD!!!

yes, you do.

Don't feel guilty about these feelings because that won't get you anywhere.  

Accept that the confidence of knowing how to be a mother has been drained from our culture for a while now.  

Engage with the growing number of us who are trying to reclaim Mother-wisdom.  Start with binge-watching mammalian births on YouTube (no, seriously, do it) and embrace that you are oh so much more capable than that giraffe at knowing the hows and whats of bringing your babies through this lion-filled jungle of people trying to steal your maternal peace and confidence. 

Stop using Google instead of a grandma/mother/aunt/mentor.  If you don't have a wise woman in your life - find one. 

Be Cautious of making identifying statements that lock you into a "type" of mothering ("I do attachment parenting", "I only eat organic", "I'm a cloth-diapering mom", etc...) - replace those statements with just being the kind of mother that is best for each of your children (this will grow and change just as fast as they do if you allow for the fluidity of life).

Find a medical provider who helps you feel confident as a mother, or respectfully tell the one you already see that you would like them to help you feel more confident as a mother.  (Most doctors really respond well to this sort of respectful direction!)

Tune out whatever seems like noise.  If that is social media, stop using it.  If it's a fearful person in your life, spend less time with them.  If it is coming from within, start meditating and breathing for 5 minutes a day to find stillness.

Tune in to the present and to the needs of your family right now.  These needs will change tomorrow, so just focus on today.  Plan for today only.  Remember, babies will go with the flow as much as we will allow.

Connect with your spouse, partner, friends who will give and receive love without making you feel guilty.  Join or build a tribe that empowers women to be the mothers they are.